Most of us want to change something in our life; at least some aspects of our life. Earn more money, have a healthier life, have a happier life, have a beautiful relationship (with the family members or someone else), change the way we behave, change the way we look, change our habits, change our emotions… and the list goes on. However most people find it hard to change or achieve the goals that they desire.
People usually want change, but they find themselves get caught up in a stuck state. People usually want to be comfortable, so they create a safety zone (everyone does it in different ways) and will stay there and secretly wish that their circumstances will change and everything will be fine next day, or next month or next year. However they wouldn’t change the way they approach things, they wouldn’t change how they look at things internally and externally. Sometimes they change the way they approach things within their own comfort zone.
Another interesting thing I find with most people is that believing that the other people cannot change or won’t change, however they secretly desire their life to change for the better at least in some aspect in their life. So when we have this fixed believe about someone or something, then we are closing down the opportunity for us to look at things differently and see that there are possibilities for changes. The universal truth is that everything changes. People also change physiologically as well as psychologically, based on their environment, time and their experiences in their life; whole world is going through changes every second.
We create the safety zone because we don’t want to get hurt, we don’t want to fail, and we don’t want to be disappointed; we create this safety zone and that is how we function in order to protect ourselves. Therefore, people will find it difficult to make any changes in their life unless they work with their unconscious mind to make a permanent change.
We often hear that people say “I leant it the hard way”. What does it mean? It means that it is a choice people go through; life experience, a journey and that taught them about life-challenges, failure, and disappointment that was something not so comfortable for them. These experiences that we go through in our life make us who we are; our personalities, beliefs, ethics, ecology, and everything about who we are based on our life experiences and the environment that we grew up in. The interesting and the important thing is we can change all those in few minutes. All the NLP practitioners will agree with that from their experience how we can change people’s personalities within minutes.
If your experiences make you who you are, you can only look at things from your own experiences and perspectives. All other experiences that are unknown to you are not your experiences, and it will be unknown to you. How would you know what you don’t know that you don’t know? Therefore when you look at things you can only look at it through your own life experience to evaluate it and you can only analyse it within your own boundary lines. Likewise, if you are looking at someone and comment about that person (behaviours/ experiences), then who are you looking at? That’s right you are looking at yourselves. You are looking at your own world. This is what quantum physics talks about. When you understand this, you can always choose to be happy if you want to. You can be in any state that you choose to be in. Every people that you look at, everything that you think that is NOT you, in fact, are YOU. Everything is your mirror image.
In most of my seminars, and therapies I talk about "Cause and Effect". This implies blame, that is, someone ‘made’ you do something or ‘made’ you feel something.
People usually want change, but they find themselves get caught up in a stuck state. People usually want to be comfortable, so they create a safety zone (everyone does it in different ways) and will stay there and secretly wish that their circumstances will change and everything will be fine next day, or next month or next year. However they wouldn’t change the way they approach things, they wouldn’t change how they look at things internally and externally. Sometimes they change the way they approach things within their own comfort zone.
Another interesting thing I find with most people is that believing that the other people cannot change or won’t change, however they secretly desire their life to change for the better at least in some aspect in their life. So when we have this fixed believe about someone or something, then we are closing down the opportunity for us to look at things differently and see that there are possibilities for changes. The universal truth is that everything changes. People also change physiologically as well as psychologically, based on their environment, time and their experiences in their life; whole world is going through changes every second.
We create the safety zone because we don’t want to get hurt, we don’t want to fail, and we don’t want to be disappointed; we create this safety zone and that is how we function in order to protect ourselves. Therefore, people will find it difficult to make any changes in their life unless they work with their unconscious mind to make a permanent change.
We often hear that people say “I leant it the hard way”. What does it mean? It means that it is a choice people go through; life experience, a journey and that taught them about life-challenges, failure, and disappointment that was something not so comfortable for them. These experiences that we go through in our life make us who we are; our personalities, beliefs, ethics, ecology, and everything about who we are based on our life experiences and the environment that we grew up in. The interesting and the important thing is we can change all those in few minutes. All the NLP practitioners will agree with that from their experience how we can change people’s personalities within minutes.
If your experiences make you who you are, you can only look at things from your own experiences and perspectives. All other experiences that are unknown to you are not your experiences, and it will be unknown to you. How would you know what you don’t know that you don’t know? Therefore when you look at things you can only look at it through your own life experience to evaluate it and you can only analyse it within your own boundary lines. Likewise, if you are looking at someone and comment about that person (behaviours/ experiences), then who are you looking at? That’s right you are looking at yourselves. You are looking at your own world. This is what quantum physics talks about. When you understand this, you can always choose to be happy if you want to. You can be in any state that you choose to be in. Every people that you look at, everything that you think that is NOT you, in fact, are YOU. Everything is your mirror image.
In most of my seminars, and therapies I talk about "Cause and Effect". This implies blame, that is, someone ‘made’ you do something or ‘made’ you feel something.
For example:
a. “Every time he laughs like that, he makes me upset”
The truth in a deeper level is that “No one can make you anything.”
You choose to be ‘upset’, working from your Internal Representations (IRs) – your own past experiences and perceived expected behaviours.
b. “Because you commented on my facebook like that, you ruined my whole day, and I was very sad.”
Again, this comment cannot make you do anything; your Internal Representations are triggering that reaction.
c. When she talks to me in that tone of voice, it makes me mad”
Again, his tone of voice cannot make you do anything; your Internal Representations are triggering that reaction.
If you are feeling in certain way, look within yourself and ask yourself:
The truth in a deeper level is that “No one can make you anything.”
You choose to be ‘upset’, working from your Internal Representations (IRs) – your own past experiences and perceived expected behaviours.
b. “Because you commented on my facebook like that, you ruined my whole day, and I was very sad.”
Again, this comment cannot make you do anything; your Internal Representations are triggering that reaction.
c. When she talks to me in that tone of voice, it makes me mad”
Again, his tone of voice cannot make you do anything; your Internal Representations are triggering that reaction.
If you are feeling in certain way, look within yourself and ask yourself:
“What is in me triggering me to feel this way?”
“How can I choose to look at it differently and stay happy?”
“Am I playing a victim role or survivor role?”
I’m sure you have witnessed a scene when someone has really reacted to a situation, and you were unmoved by it, wondering why that other person was so worked up and was making all that fuss.
As an NLP master practitioner, when I see a client with depression (for example) we ask them “How do you DO depression?” in another word, the unconscious will understand exactly what I’m talking about, it will understand that “(you or client) I am choosing to depress myself right now.” No one ‘makes me’ to feel depressed... angry, sad, ecstatic or fearful. My feelings and behaviours are created by me.
People usually blame someone else (the government, the church, parents, partner, friend, whom ever) and the blamer feels all self-righteous. What is happening when you blame other people? When you blame anyone or anything for what happened to you in your life, what is happening to you in your life right now and where you are and who you are, you have just become a ‘victim’. When you think about it carefully a blamer gives all his/her powers to someone else. Thinking unless the world changes they cannot change, unless their friend (whom ever) talk to them in a certain way they cannot have a happy day, unless their partner behaves in a certain way they cannot have a happy life... but in reality, we cannot go to every single person and change them, because those people are behaving in a way based on "their past experiences" and "their life learning". However we can change the way we look at things, and feel that we have the inner resources within us to make us feel happy, feel good and excellent (any emotions you want to feel). Doesn’t matter what happens around us, we can choose to be in a state that we want to be in.
Some clients/ people ask me “but I was sexually abused, how can I not blame? I have cancer, how can I be happy? You won’t understand... I am a refugee so I can’t have a better life”. I belief it is nonsensical to wallow on stories from the past of being a victim. The only important thing is, “given my life so far, what can I do differently? How am I going to move forward in my life and what should I be doing differently to change my situation?”
“How can I choose to look at it differently and stay happy?”
“Am I playing a victim role or survivor role?”
I’m sure you have witnessed a scene when someone has really reacted to a situation, and you were unmoved by it, wondering why that other person was so worked up and was making all that fuss.
As an NLP master practitioner, when I see a client with depression (for example) we ask them “How do you DO depression?” in another word, the unconscious will understand exactly what I’m talking about, it will understand that “(you or client) I am choosing to depress myself right now.” No one ‘makes me’ to feel depressed... angry, sad, ecstatic or fearful. My feelings and behaviours are created by me.
People usually blame someone else (the government, the church, parents, partner, friend, whom ever) and the blamer feels all self-righteous. What is happening when you blame other people? When you blame anyone or anything for what happened to you in your life, what is happening to you in your life right now and where you are and who you are, you have just become a ‘victim’. When you think about it carefully a blamer gives all his/her powers to someone else. Thinking unless the world changes they cannot change, unless their friend (whom ever) talk to them in a certain way they cannot have a happy day, unless their partner behaves in a certain way they cannot have a happy life... but in reality, we cannot go to every single person and change them, because those people are behaving in a way based on "their past experiences" and "their life learning". However we can change the way we look at things, and feel that we have the inner resources within us to make us feel happy, feel good and excellent (any emotions you want to feel). Doesn’t matter what happens around us, we can choose to be in a state that we want to be in.
Some clients/ people ask me “but I was sexually abused, how can I not blame? I have cancer, how can I be happy? You won’t understand... I am a refugee so I can’t have a better life”. I belief it is nonsensical to wallow on stories from the past of being a victim. The only important thing is, “given my life so far, what can I do differently? How am I going to move forward in my life and what should I be doing differently to change my situation?”
When you go back to the past and say ‘I was sexually abused, or I was badly treated or I had a horrible life’ it won’t change anything because we cannot go to the past and change the event. When you keep on thinking this way it is only a stuck state and not going to be productive at all. You just have to look at yourself and ask am I a ‘victim’ or a ‘survivor’.
Taking responsibility for yourselves, your behaviours and emotions are the best things that you can do for yourselves. To be self-responsible is to look at you and say I own up to the present state of my life. This is not to blame you or brand you as a bad person and make you to go on a guilt trip. This is about realising all the things that happened to you in your life is because of your conscious and unconscious decisions that you made. No one makes me feel any emotions that I feel, I choose to feel the way that I feel. All the things happen to me is based on my choices that I made based on my conscious and unconscious decisions. I want to point out that I am not denying that terrible things happen to people.
I know that some of you might want to challenge me. And ask me and one of you might even want to say “Okay Haran, it’s all sounds good, but I had a horrible, alcoholic, drug addict abusive husband and I lost my two children to a horrible accident, and now I have cancer and I only have 6 months to live and tell me how am I responsible for that? and how can I be happy?”
My answer will be it is because of your conscious and unconscious decisions that you made in your past. And... I’ll say even thought I don’t know you, I know how our neural network and unconscious mind works. I would ask you “How is that old story working for you now? – Is that serving you in any way?” Well if you are a person wants to be a victim in your whole life and wants to feel sorry for yourself, you can keep telling yourself that old story from the past. I believe you are smarter than that; you want to make that change in your life, that’s why you even read this far. You want to move forward with your life, towards your desired goals, towards that happy and fulfilling life now.
Taking responsibility for yourselves, your behaviours and emotions are the best things that you can do for yourselves. To be self-responsible is to look at you and say I own up to the present state of my life. This is not to blame you or brand you as a bad person and make you to go on a guilt trip. This is about realising all the things that happened to you in your life is because of your conscious and unconscious decisions that you made. No one makes me feel any emotions that I feel, I choose to feel the way that I feel. All the things happen to me is based on my choices that I made based on my conscious and unconscious decisions. I want to point out that I am not denying that terrible things happen to people.
I know that some of you might want to challenge me. And ask me and one of you might even want to say “Okay Haran, it’s all sounds good, but I had a horrible, alcoholic, drug addict abusive husband and I lost my two children to a horrible accident, and now I have cancer and I only have 6 months to live and tell me how am I responsible for that? and how can I be happy?”
My answer will be it is because of your conscious and unconscious decisions that you made in your past. And... I’ll say even thought I don’t know you, I know how our neural network and unconscious mind works. I would ask you “How is that old story working for you now? – Is that serving you in any way?” Well if you are a person wants to be a victim in your whole life and wants to feel sorry for yourself, you can keep telling yourself that old story from the past. I believe you are smarter than that; you want to make that change in your life, that’s why you even read this far. You want to move forward with your life, towards your desired goals, towards that happy and fulfilling life now.
I am not saying this task can be easy, but playing the ‘victim’ card is guaranteed to put you more into the ‘victim’ ditch forever.
Lots of people argue for their limitations and try to justify, and those limitations are yours. Until you let go of your limitations you won’t move forward with your life. You can define yourself as a poor helpless victim, and the more you say and think that, the more you become a poor helpless victim; it won’t serve you at all. If you do not like where you are right now in your life, the only thing that will change the situation for you is you doing something different. If you try something different and fail, then do something different until you get what you want. There’s no point sitting down and feeling sorry for you. There’s no failure, there’s only feed-back. These feed-backs that you get from your life journey are what makes you grow.
Some clients see me and when they go back home, sometimes they tend to go back to their old routine in bit different way(s). I had this client, we worked on creating SMART goals and how to achieve them etc, however when I called her one week after the session just for a follow up, she advised that she has been doing all the things that we discussed in our sessions. She feels really good emotionally, however she has not achieved her goals yet; I asked her, so what have you been doing? She said I have planned on what I want to do and wrote down my goals and now I have been sitting down and visualising and meditating on my goals to get the universe to provide it for me. I told her about how important is to take action. Visualising things positively only reduces anxiety and prepare to be more focused, unless you get out of your couch and do something; nothing will happen to you in real life. Universe will provide what you want only if you are willing to act on it.
I believe that action is the real key to living a success-FULL life. It is about what sorts of action that you take, it can be even small steps towards your goals every day. In other words, if you don’t do it, it won’t happen. Some of my friends argue with me about positive thinking, positive thinking is great, it makes you more focused on your goal and also makes you feel happy; however unless you act on your goals, nothing will happen.
For example:
Imagine that you so desperately want to get a particular type of job. If you just sit down on your couch and use your visualization and positive thinking do you think you going to get the job? If you want that particular type of job, you have to prepare your resume`, you have to have the qualification and you have to apply, or you have to let someone or some organization know that you have the skills for that job and you are looking for that job. If you don’t do it, you won’t get that job.
I am a positive thinker, however if you just rely on positive thinking rather than making an effort to put things in action, then nothing will happen.
When is the best time to make any actions and do anything to achieve your goals? It is NOW. Now is the only reality that exists. Past is gone, tomorrow is just a concept (think about it, how many of you know tomorrow, when you go to tomorrow it is no longer tomorrow… tomorrow never comes). There are lots and lots of people live in their past. Even thought they know past is already gone. The only reality that we live in is NOW. Therefore what are you doing right NOW to achieve what you want in your life?
If you want to achieve something in your life the way that you want, things such as having a happy life, healthy life, great relationship, prosperity and abundance, attracting the right partner, etc... Then you have to take responsibility for your act. Remember, there’s no failure, only feed-back.
See, I’m not an enlightened one, not a yogi, not a spiritual-guru, not a perfect human being; I still make mistakes and sometimes experience negative emotions; however, nowadays it only last for few minutes for me . It doesn’t ruin my day. What I wrote here and what I talk to people in the seminars and sessions are based on what I have learnt about human behaviours, unconscious mind, neural networks; and my knowledge and experiences with so many clients. I do practice what I preach.
